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Trent Reznor finally unloads his Malibu crash pad
It took a long, long time, but now it finally happened. You may recall a couple months ago, when Yolanda was discussing the I-am-very-rich-bitch Mr. Trent Reznor’s new $17 million pad in Mandeville Canyon, we mentioned that he also owned an ocean view house just above Malibu’s coveted Point Dume area that he was having a real devil of a time unloading.
Mr. Reznor paid $4,250,000 in 2011 for the 5,941 square foot single-story contemporary on 2.16 acres in 2011. He then gave the property a comprehensive modern overhaul similar to what he did to his Beverly Hills Post Office house.
Mr. Reznor, who welcomed a third child with his Filipina wife Mariqueen Maandig a few months ago (belated congrats!) put the property up for sale in August 2015 with a (very) optimistic $7,250,000 pricetag.
At the time Mr. Reznor listed this house for sale, several media outlets erroneously reported the property was owned by fellow musician Jakob Dylan. We’re not entirely sure what caused all the confusion, but Yolanda does know for a fact that Mr. Reznor was the real seller in this case.
But back to the house. Alas, with no takers, the ask was slashed multiple times. Finally, this May (2016), Mr. Reznor unloaded the place for just $5,550,000. That’s still a lot of money, of course. And it’s $1.3 million more than he paid five years ago. But if you take into account the heft renovation costs (this ain’t look like no cheap cosmetic touch-up) and the fact that prices in LA have skyrocketed since 2011, it doesn’t appear that Mr. Reznor did too well on this sale.
Not that it matters, because homeboy is clearly richer than most everyone in the entertainment industry whose name ain’t Beyonce, Jay-Z, Taylor Swift, or David Geffen.
But does Yolanda have influence or what? We said in April that Mr. Reznor was desperate to unload this place and would take a big discount off the then-ask of $5,950,000. And look what happens! Just a few weeks later, the place sells for another $400k off! You go, gurl!
Alright, alright, we’ll shut up now. Let’s take a look at the house.
Though the house is not oceanfront (it’s not even in Point Dume), it’s got a negative-edge swimming-slash-wading pool with a sea backdrop.
The sensuously and unusually curved combo dining room/living room has concrete floors, a Prince-approved purple wall and a grand piano that allows the player to look directly out the massive glass-paned windows, over Point Dume, and to the clear ocean view beyond.
Perfect for Yolanda’s weekly tanning sessions. The kitchen, while a bit too stark for Yolanda’s particular tastes, certainly makes a statement with its sleek blackened cabinets, chunky white marble (?) countertops, and top-of-the-line stainless steel appliances.
There’s also a media room with a projection screen that disappears back into the ceiling with a push of a button. The master bedroom is done-done-done up but good with dark wood floors, a fireplace, and a sitting area.
The austere master bath sports a rectangular soaking tub and a glass-enclosed shower with rainfall showerhead plus a couple more nozzles. Outside, Mr. Reznor had built a very deluxe and no-doubt expensive children’s play area that Yolanda would have loved to have had as a young gal.
The house is all-but-invisible from the street thanks to a driveway gate and tall privet hedges around the rest of the property. The front-facing three-car garage and concrete-slabbed-and-stone-stacked exterior aren’t really to Yolanda’s taste — we feel it’s a wee bit dated-looking — but clearly someone (finally) liked it.
Okay, so by now you’re probably wondering who bought Mr. Reznor’s Malibu house. Well, property records reveal the new owner is a lady named Jill Black or Jill Black Zalben, if you prefer. You may have never heard of Ms. Black, but trust Yolanda when she tells you that the lady is quite wealthy.
Ms. Black is a daughter of Stanley Black, a billionaire or near-billionaire Beverly Hills real estate investor who has lived in this city since the dawn of time (or sometime close to it).
Mr. Black, now in his mid-80s and a widower, occupies a nearly 10,000 square foot mansion on Sunset Boulevard that he and his late wife Joyce purchased way back in 1983 for $2,550,000.
$2.5 million bucks may seem like nothing today, but trust Yolanda when she tells you that was major moolah to drop on a house way back then. Though the property straddles the border of Beverly Hills, the house is actually on the Holmby Hills side, which means it is technically in the city of Los Angeles.
Yolanda can personally guarantee that if you’ve ever driven this stretch of Sunset, you’ve noticed Mr. Black’s property. Not for the house (it’s not visible from the street) but for the rather creepy assorted dolls, figurines, and Seward Johnson statues that are always sitting — or running, walking, or waving American flags — in his front yard. They’ve been there since he bought the place in the early ’80s.
Mr. Black must have a shed full of those things, right? Don’t the ones out front get stolen all the time?
Before we go, Mr. Reznor and Ms. Maandig have moved into or are about to move into their big new Mandeville Canyon mansion, which they purchased from comedy film director/producer Sean Levy last year (2015) for $16,650,000 in an off-market deal.
Mr. Reznor — now an Oscar-winning composer of very lucrative films — also, as previously mentioned, still owns a house up in Beverly Hills (Post Office) that he paid $4,187,500 for in 2007, extensively remodeled, and put up for sale last April (2015) for $4,495,000. The property was removed from the market a month later.
If Yolanda were a bettin’ gal, she’d wager that Mr. Reznor’s B.H.P.O. house will soon be available for sale or lease again. We shall see.
But as to the real burning question that’s on everyone’s mind — will Ms. Black take some of her father’s statues/dolls and install them on her new Malibu property? Again, y’all — we shall see.
“Rented lifestyle” guru Christy Bamber flips her (owned) Trousdale Estates house
Listen, everyone, Yolanda is sick like a dog today so we’re going to be uncharacteristically brief with this one because we need to go kneel before the porcelain goddess once again. But we digress!
Here we have a young blonde lady from Nashville named Christy Bamber. Miss Bamber has a fairly popular Instagram account (18,000 followers) called “Rented Lifestyle”. The mission of this Instagram account, so says Ms. Bamber, is to give “luxury travel, fashion, and lifestyle tips from a serial renter!”
“Renting a lifestyle is much easier than owning it. Returning an item after it has been worn or played with, becomes a freedom. With less ownership, comes less responsibility. Variety increases, while costs decrease.”
Sure, hunny. That all sounds well and good. But just what does plunking down $14,500,000 last year on a sexed-up Beverly Hills mansion have to do with living a rented lifestyle?
For the record, Ms. Bamber and her Nashville entrepreneur husband Larry Beckwith purchased the property via the rather boringly-named “Trousdale BH Properties Trust”. Yawn. If it were up to Yolanda she’d rechristen that mess the “We gotta lotta money so we actually don’t need to rent Trust”. But we suppose that’s irrelevant since they’re trying to unload the place now, right? Right.
Situated in a prime section of one of Trousdale’s main thoroughfares on a sizable .55 acre lot, the sleek contemporary residence (originally built in 1959 but essentially rebuilt from scratch in 2014) boasts 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms in approximately 6,000 square feet. The asking price today is $17,995,000.
We haven’t the faintest idea why Ms. Bamber & Mr. Beckwith are attempting to sell their Beverly Hills baller crib scarcely a year after purchasing it. And we also don’t see why the residence is asking $3.5 million more than what it sold for just 12 months ago. It does not appear that Mr. Beckwith and Ms. Bamber have made any significant alterations to the property.
But que sera, sera. Trousdale Estates is still as hot as ever. There’s Brian Sheth who splurged $38 million on a much larger new house up the street, Maurice Marciano who copped a similarly-sized crib for $20 million, and a $50 million teardown way up high on Hillcrest.
The completely walled and gated front entryway leads to the three-car garage and motorcourt.
Inside, everything is as cool and modern as you’d expect of a newly-remodeled Trousdale house. Terrazzo and marble are everywhere.
Honey-hued oak flooring runs throughout the main living spaces. Walls of glass create that seamless fusion of indoor and outdoor living.
Just a few steps away from the living & family rooms is the ultra-modern kitchen, which sports a Chevy-sized center island topped with what appears to be a massive slab of black marble. There’s also a walk-in wine cellar/closet nearby for the booze hound in your family.
The sizable master suite has more of the oak wood flooring, marble, and the walls of glass.
There’s also a petite room with floor-to-ceiling mirrors that Ms. Bamber appears to be using as a yoga studio.
The bathrooms look like they were imported directly from some boutique 5-star hotel. Even the crappers look super fancy.
The backyard is surprisingly small but does manage to accommodate lots of outdoor seating and a zero-edge saltwater swimming pool. There’s also a damn firepit that runs up uncomfortably close to the edge of said pool.
Frankly, y’all, Yolanda would sooner inject Frank’s Red Hot into her eyeballs than half to hoist her fat ass over a damn firepit every time she wanted to go for a swim, but whatever.
Ms. Bamber & Mr. Beckwith appear to own (or rent?) a Mercedes G-wagen and a late-model Porsche 911 Cabriolet. Yolanda will take the Porsche, thank you very much. Ms. Bamber & Mr. Beckwith, you can keep the old brick-shaped clunker of a Benz.
Speaking of Mr. Beckwith, our boy has a lot of money. The Nashville native/resident founded Eco Energy Inc. in 1992. Eco Energy is a “leading provider of biofuel supply chain management solutions, handling 10 percent of the domestic market. Together with our partner, Copersucar S.A., we are the largest biofuels, logistics, and trading company in the world, handling 12 percent of the market share worldwide.”
In late 2012, Mr. Beckwith sold his energy company for a big-time $100 million, which is probably how he and Ms. Bamber (they were married in 2014) can afford to buy a $14,500,000 house in what is perhaps the most desirable neighborhood of Beverly Hills.
As chronicled by the our UK buddies at the Daily Mail, Mr. Beckwith was sued by his ex-wife (the first Mrs. Beckwith) in 2013. Chief among her concerns was that Mr. Beckwith significantly undervalued his company’s worth prior to their split. (the former Mrs. Beckwith eventually dropped her lawsuit.)
Mr. Beckwith has since gone on to found Iconic Entertainment, a “full-service entertainment company”. Iconic’s main client appears to be an up-and-coming country singer named Kelsea Ballerini.
Anyway, Mr. Beckwith and Ms. Bamber do what all newlywed couples do and split their time between their $3.5 million estate in the swanky Nashville suburb of Franklin, Tennessee and their sexy (soon to be sold?) $14.5 million pad in Beverly Hills. By all accounts, they are madly in love.
Aww, sweet. Can’t buy that happiness. But you can rent it, we suppose…
Tom Cruise sells his former Mexican mafia princess house to Leon Black for $38 million
This has been rumored to infinity and beyond already, but Yolanda would like to inform y’all that property records now confirm that weirdo actor Mr. Crucero sold his big Beverly Hills mansion to multi-billionaire financier Leon Black and his wife Debra earlier this month.
However, unlike celebrity gossip kingpin TMZ, which reported the deal was going down for $40 million, records reveal the house actually sold for “just” $38,000,000.
Now, kids, we fully realize the difference between a $40 million house and a $38 million house is pretty damn insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But Yolanda would like to point out that this difference means Mr. Cruise does not currently hold the title for most-expensive LA County home sale this year. That trophy still lies with ubiquitous high-end spec mansion developer Nile Niami, who sold a modern confection in the nearby “Trousdale Estates” neighborhood to billionaire financier Brian Sheth for $38,270,000 a couple months ago, as Yolanda first reported.
Both sales, of course, will soon be eclipsed by the sale of the Playboy Mansion, which is rumored to be selling for somewhere in the $105 million to $120 million range to heir Daren Metropoulos. Then there’s the $93 million that Jay-Z and Beyonce are about to drop on a really, truly ugly spec-mega-mansion in the Holmby Hills area. (Yeah, right. Listen, kids. Heaven knows our gurl Your Mama is always correct when it comes to real estate. But when it comes to these two loons, we’ll believe it when we see it.)
There’s also the Kelly Wearstler estate on Hillcrest Road in Beverly Hills, which is in escrow for somewhere close to $53 million with fashion designer Tom Ford. (However, Yolanda has heard from our gurl Your Mama that the house is actually on a yearlong escrow that will not close until 2017 (!!!). Apparently Mr. Ford wants Mrs. Wearstler to do some renovations for him first or some such silliness.)
Anyway, the Mr. Cruise’s newly former flag lot palace was originally built way back in 1937. At some point it came to be owned by Guadalupe Hank Shannon, a member of the powerful, feared, and extremely wealthy Hank clan of Mexico. It was Ms. Hank who sold the house for nearly $6 million in 2003 to top real estate broker Kurt Rappaport and his former wife Juliette.
Over the next several years, the Rappaports completely remodeled and expanded the estate. In early 2007, they managed to unload it for an eye-popping $30,500,000 to our Mr. Cruise. If you’re keeping track, the Rappaports managed to secure a sale price that was more than five times the amount they paid for the place just four years prior. Though we imagine they invested many millions into the complete overhaul, the Rappaport couple no doubt made major bank off that transaction.
For his part, Mr. Cruise himself made significant alterations to the property immediately after purchasing in in its newly-remodeled condition. Remodeling a newly-remodeled house may sound like bizarre and wantonly wasteful behavior, right? But remember, y’all, we’re talking about couch-jumpin’ Tom Cruise here. Yolanda would be shocked if Mr. Cruise had not altered the estate to suit his no-doubt bizarre needs.
Some reports say that Mr. Cruise invested $15 million into the estate overhaul. While that number sounds absurdly high, Yolanda would not be the least bit surprised if he did, in fact, spend millions. Thus, the $38 million sale price to Mr. Black probably does not represent a huge profit for Mr. Cruise, despite it being $7,500,000 more than he paid 9 years ago.
Mr. Black, the founder of hedge fund juggernaut Apollo Global Management and long a mega-baller of the highest magnitude, maintains a $50 million+ townhouse on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, a large apartment in a Park Avenue building, a large estate in rural Bedford, NY, an oceanfront condo in Miami’s much-lauded Faena House, and a multi-acre oceanfront compound in perhaps the best part of the Hamptons.
He’s also got an art collection worth many hundreds of millions of bucks and headlined by his recent, nearly $120 million splurge on “The Scream”.
Though Mr. Black is a huge baller, the decision to buy a house in Los Angeles may not have been as random as you might expect. In fact, Yolanda is a bit surprised Mr. Black didn’t buy here years ago. We think the Blacks plan to spend a significant amount of time in LA — after all, the family has many close friends and family members who reside primarily in this city.
One of Mr. Black’s closest friends is fellow billionaire Michael Milken (Mr. Black refers to him as “my mentor”). And let’s not forget that both Mrs. Debra Black’s brothers and their families reside here.
Mrs. Black’s brother is a guy named Tony Ressler. He’s also — looky here! — a billionaire himself. And he’s long been married to actress Jami Gertz. The couple currently reside on a massive estate in LA’s most fabled guard-gated community: Beverly freakin’ Park.
Mrs. Black has another brother, a lesser-known financier guy named Richard Ressler. This Mr. Ressler is clearly very rich himself. He and his family currently own and reside in the largest estate in LA’s most celebrity-studded enclave: Hidden Valley. Some of their nearest neighbors include Adele, Ashton Kutcher & Mila Kunis, Nicole Richie, Cameron Diaz, Penelope Cruz, and Jennifer Lawrence.
By the way, Tony Ressler and Jami Gertz used to live in this very same gated community before they moved up to their big spread in Beverly Park. During the 1990s, they owned a house on Lime Orchard Road, which they sold to bigshot entertainment exec Tom Freston in 2001. Mr. Freston flipped the house to our gurl Ellen DeGeneres, who flipped the house to celebrity talent agent Rick Yorn, who flipped the house to booze hound entertainer Jessica Simpson. Ms. Simpson eventually sold the house to Sumner Redstone’s ex-girlfriend Sydney Holland, who recently flipped the property at a substantial profit to J.Law.
Whew!
As for Mr. Cruise, he still owns a picturesque estate in Telluride, CO that he put up for sale in 2014 at $59 million (the price where it lingers today).
And as everyone knows, crazy Mr. Cruise sold his Hollywood Hills estate last year (where he never actually lived) for $11.4 million to Eva Longoria, and our Mama was first to break that story. Our Ms. Longoria has since had the property featured on the cover of US Weekly. Poor Mr. Cruz took a major loss on that property, Yolanda believes.
By the way, just to round out this story: It may not be surprising that our pals at the LA Times reported that Mr. Black used the services of real estate agents Fred Bernstein and Sharyn Gertz in this transaction. Mr. Bernstein is Michael Milken’s son-in-law and Ms. Gertz is Jami Gertz’s mummy.
Now let’s all say a little prayer for Mr. & Mrs. Black — that they’ll have the good sense to hire some faith healers to burn incense and what-not in this house. All that crazy is gonna take some good shit to get gone.
Daryl Hannah sells Malibu ranch to her boyfriend Neil Young
We know our Mama over at Variety already broke this story, but we’re gonna throw in our two cents because we just can’t resist.
Malibu is more than the media cracks it up to be. It’s not just celebrities lounging on the sand, sauntering into Nobu, and perhaps “accidentally” exposing themselves to the paps. It’s not just all those oceanfront mansions packed closer together than any sardines could ever hope to be. It’s not just the fires.
The oft-repeated “27 miles of scenic beauty” tagline also includes horse ranches, ramshackle old hillside cabins, secret creeks and many miles of hillside hiking trails and craggy canyon roads that spiderweb their way across the forests that dot the majestic Santa Monica Mountains.
Take stalwart actress Daryl Hannah’s 17-acre Malibu compound, secreted way up in the hills above PCH and about as far removed from more “glamorous” areas like Malibu Colony and Broad Beach as a house in the city can be. The only thing visible from the canyon road in a fairly remote part of northern city that accesses the property is a dirt road and an old-fashioned padlocked timber pine gate. That’s right, kids, Ms. Hannah’s mini-compound has a damn dirt driveway.
First, a little background on our gurl. The humble (for a celebrity) residence might give you the impression that Ms. Hannah, despite her professional success, is admirably clinging to her modest beginnings before the bright lights of Ho-wood beamed down on her. But that’s not the case. By all accounts, Ms. Hannah grew up extremely wealthy in Chicago with her mother and her late stepfather, billionaire businessman Jerrold Wexler. She studied at the most-definitely-not-for-poor-folks Francis W. Parker school (tuition runs around $30,000 per year) before graduating from the also-most-definitely-not-for-poor-folks University of Southern California (tuition exceeds $50,000).
Ms. Hannah may be best-known for her seminal role as the mermaid in Splash, but she’s also had starring turns in a host of other successful films that include Steel Magnolias, Blade Runner, Wall Street, and one of Yolanda’s favorite film series of all time: Kill Bill, where she portrayed master assassin Elle Driver. We’ve seen that movie countless time and it’s Yolanda’s opinion that Ms. Hannah killed that sh*t. You go, gurl.
Mr. Young, of course, is the Neil Young. A guy who needs no introduction. Anywho, Ms. Hannah and Mr. Young — 55 and 70 years old, respectively — have been dating since 2014 and shacking up for quite some time, apparently. Mr. Young also has ranches in Northern California and Hawaii, and Ms. Hannah keeps a secluded estate outside Telluride, Colorado.
In 2011, Ms. Hannah pushed her 17.6-acre compound onto the open market with a hefty $4,995,000 pricetag. The ask eventually tumbled to $4,250,000 before the listing went off the market in early 2013.
Unfortunately for Ms. Hannah — or perhaps fortunately — it wasn’t until her boyfriend of 1.5 years decided to buy the place this year that she was finally able to unload it. Property records show Mr. Yong acquired the (mostly) rustic compound via something called the “Mosquito Trust” in March 2016 for $3,600,000.
Though it’s a good 10 minutes’ drive from PCH, the coumpound still sports distant views through the hills and down to the sea.
Ms. Hannah acquired the two-parcel property in two separate transactions back in 2001 for a total of $1,325,000. The earthy driveway and solar panels ensure her enviro-friendly cred game remains strong.
The stone hunting lodge of a main residence dates all the way back to 1927 and was extensively upgraded by Ms. Hannah during her 15 years of ownership. She added a walk-in dressing room/closet, radiant heated floors, a Japanese soaking tub, and an indoor/outdoor shower.
Can y’all picture these two frolicking together in the outdoor shower? Completely nakey?! We can, but we don’t want to. Lord have mercy!
There’s also a tiny little shack on the property with slapped together with corrugated metal panels. Yolanda noted that Ms. Hannah has a whole bunch of bird feeders, wind chimes, potted plants, and other assorted bric-a-brac hanging around the structure. There’s also a Prince-approved purple hammock.
The most alluring feature of the property (in Yolanda’s opinion) are the gorgeous, upspoiled acres of flat land that include a numerous species of cacti, a California live oak grove (with a wigwam!), natural streams and waterfalls, a fenced pasture, and an “ancient palm grove”.
We can’t imagine that a successful actress from a richie-rich family wants for money. But still, homegurl must be thanking her lucky stars that she didn’t sell this place when it was on the market a couple months ago. Now she’s got the money, still lives on the property, and will be saving on her moving expenses. Will Ms. Hannah be bustin’ out a U-haul to tote all her environmentally-friendly junk to a new locale? We sorta doubt that very much.
Seems like a whopper of a great deal for Ms. Hannah. A gargantuan whopper of a deal.
Brendan Iribe spends $30 million in Laguna Beach
Yolanda might receive a bit of hate-mail about this one because this sale actually happened nearly two years ago. But it’s a chance we’re willing to take both because we want to write about it and because we’re traveling right now so we need a good quickie (story). So very kindly shut your traps.
Anyway, it appears we may be the first to chat about it because the purchase was completed stealthily through an entity calling itself “Crystal Cove Cliffs LLC”.
Celebrity-choked Malibu Colony may take the lion’s share of guard-gated-community-off-PCH real estate headlines, but there’s a different guard-gated PCH enclave about 72 miles south that has some of the priciest real estate in Southern California. We’re referencing what is perhaps Laguna Beach’s most exclusive (and expensive) residential pocket: the hoity-toity Irvine Cove community.
The northern Laguna Beach tract sports truly majestic views from the rocky cliffs and a secluded “private” beach. Naturally, it’s the dozen (or so) of blufftop homes that command the highest prices. There’s also an ultra-exclusive strip of homes that actually sit right on the sand — only 5 of the approximately 110 homes in the gated community get this luxury.
Of the five beachfront mansions in Irvine Cove, four have sold for $20 million or more at least once in the past 10 years or so. There’s an 8,466-square-foot mansion that was last sold for $23,000,000 in 2006 to LA Fitness founder Chin Yol Yi. Next door to that is a 6,300-square-foot bungalow that also transferred for $23,000,000 last year — Yolanda has reason to believe the buyer of that house was Newport Beach-based financier Don Madden. A couple doors in the other direction is a 10,000-square-foot whopper of a beach house that was purchased by legally-embattled former mortgage mogul Robert K. Cole for $29,000,000 in 2005 (he’s now attempting to sell it for an optimistic $51 million). On the opposite end of the sand is a 7,200 square foot modern confection that sold for a gob-smackin’ $33,000,000 in 2013. The buyer is listed only as “Iconicviews Company LLC”, a shell company with an NYC legal address. Yolanda has yet to figure out the real buyer’s identity, but don’t worry your pretty heads. Your gurl is workin’ on it.’
But we majorly digress. We’re not here to discuss any one of those five Irvine Cove “sand castles”. Instead, we’re going to discuss a major blufftop estate that’s just a quick skip away from those two.
Back in September 2014, 30-something-year-old tech entrepreneur Brendan Iribe threw down a strangely-complicated $30,896,545 for this big-ass house. The property had been listed for $33.9 million, but was yanked off the MLS just prior to the sale closing. Kids, what does Mama Yolanda say about pricey houses that get removed from the MLS just prior to being sold? It almost always means the buyer is a celebrity or a high-profile individual of some sort.
Never heard of Mr. Iribe? Don’t feel ashamed. Yolanda had never heard of homeboy either until we found out about this purchase. But it turns out Mr. Iribe has lots and lots and lots of moolah thanks to Mark Zuckerberg. Facebook purchased a firm known as Oculus VR for $2 billion in 2014, and Mr. Iribe is a co-founder of Oculus. So he could naturally afford several $30 million mansions if he so desired.
In 2012, Mr. Iribe — a veteran video game designer and tech startup entrepreneur despite his relatively young years — formed Oculus with a 19-year-old fella named Palmer Luckey. The two conceived a new, game-changing virtual reality headset known as the Oculus Rift. (One of the prototypes was code-named Crystal Cove. See what Mr. Iribe did there?)
After a record-breakingly successful Kickstarter campaign that successfully looped in major backers such as billionaire Minecraft creator and real estate baller Markus Persson, Oculus VR was acquired by Facebook less than two years after the initial prototypes debuted.
For what it’s worth, Mr. Luckey and Mr. Iribe received intense criticism from fans, news media, and their original backers for selling out to Facebook. One of the harshest verbal assaults on the deal came from Mr. Persson himself, who said “Facebook creeps me out” and “Facebook is not a company of grass-roots tech enthusiasts. Facebook is not a game tech company. “Facebook is not a company of grass-roots tech enthusiasts. Facebook is not a game tech company.”
Now listen, y’all. Yolanda has never played Minecraft, we don’t care about Facebook, and we sure as heck still have barely a clue about this Oculus thing-a-ma-jiggy. So, Mr. Persson, forgive Yolanda’s ignorance, but how is selling out to Microsoft much different than selling out to Facebook? We’re not being sarcastic.
Ah, well. Anyway, this all made Mr. Iribe and young Mr. Luckey tremendously rich in a breathtakingly short period of time. While we’re not sure how Mr. Luckey has spent the bulk of his dough, Mr. Iribe is spendin’ the cash like it’s going out of style. Let’s dive right in.
So here’s what nearly $31 million bought Mr. Iribe. The half-acre promontory lot boast stunning 270-degree vistas. Additionally, the house happens to be adjacent to Irvine Cove’s private park which makes the home’s front yard appear much more expansive than it technically is.
Yes, kids, this gated community has its own private mini-park for its ridonkulously-rich residents. Remind you of anything else?
A gym, a living room, a fancy master bedroom, and a raised negative-edge swimming pool in the courtyard.
The 2001-built estate boasts 10,800 square feet of living space with 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms.
To be honest, kids, Yolanda is not particularly fond of this “Frank Lloyd Wright-inspired” house (apart from lusting after those world-class views). We love modern, but we prefer modern with some soul, some passion, some verve. This one strikes your gurl as being a touch too cold to be worthy of FLW. Kinda like a snazzy office complex with multi-million buck waterfront views. But who are we to judge? We’ve talked to a couple people that absolutely love this house.
In addition to the ones we’ve already mentioned, some of Mr. Iribe’s new neighbors include billionaire Bill Gross, heiress Linda Irvine Smith, and Cayman Islands-based internet entrepreneur Frank Schilling, who owns not one but two homes in Irvine Cove.
Like most other folks who own $30 million+ houses, Mr. Iribe sports a baller-style portfolio of residential properties, most (if not all) of which were purchased in the last two years.
Just one week after purchasing his $31 million showplace in Laguna Beach, Mr. Iribe forked over a comparatively-paltry $1,496,500 for an itsy-bitsy but personality-filled corner crib in the boho-chic LA neighborhood of Venice (CA).
The lovable hot mess of a house has 3 bedrooms and 1.75 baths in just 1,491 square feet of living space. It’s right around the corner from the always-trendy Abbot Kinney area. The property even has its own Obama poster! (Frankly, we feel a Bernie one would be more appropriate for this hippie hipster shack, but who are we to judge.)
In April 2015, seven months after acquiring the Laguna Beach and Venice properties, Mr. Iribe spooned out $13,000,000 for a 10,885 square foot mansion in the wealthy San Fran suburb of Atherton, CA.
Two days after that, Mr. Iribe paid $7,000,000 in an off-market deal for 3,367 square foot modern Spanish mini-compound in the horrendously expensive “Crescent Park” neighborhood of Palo Alto, CA. (One of his neighbors is our boy Mark Z.)
Mr. Iribe has spent, according to our second-grader math whiz of a nephew, $52,393,095 on luxury real estate within the span of a few months. But wait! Yes, that’s still not all.
Back in early September 2014, a couple weeks before the buying spree started, Mr. Iribe donated $31 million to establish a new computer science center at the University of Maryland. His mother, Elizabeth Trexler, donated an additional $3 million to the project. And we have no idea where Ms. Trexler would get three million bucks except from her doting son.
So that’s a total outlay for Mr. Iribe of $86,393,095. Not a bad reward for two years of running a startup.
Patrick Soon-Shiong: Profile of a Real Estate Baller
Our story on Bren Simon last week was so successful (by hits) that we’re considering adding the “Real Estate Baller profile” as a weekly or bi-weekly feature. We’re not sure yet. Was that story popular because of the profile thingy or just because there’s a lot of “fans” who want to read about Mrs. Simon, for whatever reason? (Well, it ain’t every day you come across a gal with a $150 million luxury residential real estate portfolio, we suppose.)
Hmmm. Guess we’ll find out.
Our next subjects, billionaire Patrick Soon-Shiong and his longtime former actress wifey Michele Chan, like Mrs. Simon, are huge real estate ballers. But they’re quieter about it. You won’t find their names in any public records databases. The couple have been very careful to cover their tracks with dozens of LLCs and blind trusts. But, as you know, big money always makes noise, and people talk. And an ol’ blabbermouth like Yolanda is absolutely, positively, 100% certain that Mr. Soon-Shiong & Ms. Chan currently own in excess of $150 million in luxury residential real estate. Let’s discuss, shall we?
Born in the turmoil of 1950s South Africa to Mainland Chinese parents who fled their native country during the Second Sino-Japanese War, Mr. Soon-Shiong almost immediately began his lifelong career as a perennial mega-overachiever. He completed high school at age 16, graduated at the top of his class with his medical degree at 23, performed the West Coast’s first full-pancreas transplant in his 30s, developed a treatment for Type 1 Diabetes, served on the faculty at UCLA, then founded not one but two biotech firms (APP Pharmaceuticals and Abraxis BioScience) which he sold to two larger firms in two separate transactions for a total value of $6.7 billion. He currently owns a firm called NantKwest, whose lofty goal is, according to the man himself, to “manage cancer and achieve a sustained disease-free state.” NantKwest’s 2015 IPO, with a value of $2.6 billion, represented the biggest ever in the biotech history.
Now in his 60s, Mr. Soon-Shiong is a major philanthropist and a billionaire many times over. Not only is he the world’s richest doctor, according to Forbes, he’s also allegedly the richest resident of Los Angeles with a net worth of somewhere around $12 billion.
Really? Huh. We’d guess when they say richest resident they must mean richest full-time resident of LA. There’s lots of richer folks who spend several months of the year here (Larry Ellison, Sheldon Adelson, Jeff Bezos, Paul Allen, etc)
By the way, the unstoppable Mr. Soon-Shiong has, in recent years, expanded his business holdings far beyond the medical/healthcare industry. Way far beyond. He’s a minority owner of the Lakers (he purchased his shares from Magic Johnson in 2010 for an undisclosed amount). And he’s also the second-largest shareholder of “Tronc” (formerly Tribune Publishing). Tronc is the parent company of, as you may or may not know, the Los Angeles Times, The Chicago Tribune, and The Baltimore Sun (among others).
What that means is that you may not be seeing any further stories about Mr. Soon-Shiong’s many homes in those publications. Tee-hee.
But we digress. Along the way to accumulating all those accolades, all that wealth, all that success, Mr. Soon-Shiong has also earned his commensurate share of enemies/detractors. He has repeatedly been labelled “ruthless” and a shameless “headline grabber”. Early in his career, his own brother sued him on two separate occasions, alleging fraud. Today, the two reportedly no longer speak. Mr. Soon-Shiong has also been heavily criticized by competitors in his companies’ respective spaces, criticism that he has usually dismissed as professional jealousy.
Our homeboy has additionally earned the ire of many of his neighbors in the unassuming, middle-class Brentwood area in which he has long resided. Some years ago, after his first multi-billion-dollar business sale, Mr. Soon-Shiong apparently decided to majorly upgrade and upsize his residential circumstances. However, he had no desire to leave his neighborhood (an area of small lots and modest ranch-style homes) for someplace more compound-friendly like Mandeville Canyon or Brentwood Park.
So our boy decided to buy up all his neighbor’s houses. Just every single one! The LA Times first reported on the acquisition frenzy way back in 2010, when Mr. Soon-Shiong was only mid-way into the construction. Read all about it here. A few neighbors, the paper reported, had refused to sell to Mr. Soon-Shiong (at least for the time being).
One of the neighbors who did sell their house to him and decamped to a different part of Brentwood — Laurie Lehman, widow of North by Northwest screenwriter Ernest Lehman — lamented to the LA Times, “…why does he have to take over a nice little neighborhood and ruin it?”
With all due respect, come on now, Mrs. Lehman. Mr. Soon-Shiong does not have to ruin the area. You did not have to sell your house to him, now didja? And anyway, it’s not like you live there anymore so how do you know he’s ruining it? You out snoopin’, Mrs. Lehman? Take a seat, girlfriend.
The LA Times estimated at the time that Mr. Soon-Shiong had paid $29 million for his Brentwood compound. But that was 2010. Mr. Soon-Shiong kept right on buying, and the compound keeps growing. His most recent purchase happened as recently as last year. Today, according to Yolanda’s careful count, Mr. Soon-Shiong owns no fewer than 13 parcels of land that combined span nearly 5 acres.
We spent a solid hour perusing sale records and the variety of mysterious LLCs and trusts that the Soon-Shiong couple used to assemble their compound and Yolanda is 100% positive that they have spent at least $50,295,000 to buy up all that land. And that’s just the acquisition costs for 10 of those 13 parcels. For the other three, Yolanda was not able to locate purchase prices.
But let’s be (very) conservative and say spent $2 million on each of the remaining three parcels. That would mean Mr. Soon-Shiong has spent over $56 million for just the land alone in what most folks believe is a nice but non-prime area of Brentwood. For several of the parcels, Yolanda notes, it appears Mr. Soon-Shiong may have paid as much as double their “true” (according to comps) market value.
And that $56 million does not include the many, many, many millions required to construct a compound of this magnitude. The main mega-mansion house, according to public records, weighs in at more than 25,000 square feet with 5 bedrooms and 10 bathrooms. There are also numerous outbuildings that may be housing for staff, guests, relatives, office space, etc.
And as you can see above, there are several “holes” left in Mr. Soon-Shiong’s grand estate — at least five neighboring, hold-out properties that must be acquired before the great estate can be truly great.
We shall see what happens. But wait, kids. That’s not all. Although the Brentwood compound is his main (and most (in)famous) residence, Mr. Soon-Shiong has other homes. Lots of other homes, it turns out. And he apparently has a major thing for the ocean because he owns at least five extravagant spreads in Malibu and Laguna Beach that have cost him — wait for it — well over $100 million.
In summer 2005, Mr. Soon-Shiong laid out a fat $17,500,000 (through his “Themba II LLC”) for a 4,283 square foot oceanfront house along Malibu’s ironically-named “Broad Beach”. He also pledged an unknown amount of money to the restoration project dedicated to the prized but disappearing beachfront.
From what we can tell, the property currently appears to be under some sort of renovation.
And for what it’s worth Mr. Soon-Shiong’s next door neighbor to the south has long been actor Ray Romano. His next-door neighbor to the north is KTLA TV general manager Greg Nathanson, who happens to be the brother of billionaire Marc Nathanson.
But, as always, just one house in the neighborhood would never do for the large-living Mr. Soon-Shiong.
In June 2009, our boy paid $8,750,000 through his “Malibu PCH West LLC” for a vacant 1.64-acre parcel of land on Malibu’s coveted Encinal Bluffs, just a few minutes’ drive north of Broad Beach. It appears to Yolanda that Mr. Soon-Shiong is midway to completing his new dream Malibu mansion, which has been designed by LA-based AE Architecture. Rendering above.
But let’s back up right quick. Just a year after acquiring this vacant parcel. our fella did something truly remarkable. In June 2010, near the height of the recession, he slammed down an audacious $18,500,000 on a significant estate that just happens to be immediately next door to his under-construction residence.
The massive 5-acre parcel was technically acquired by Mr. Soon-Shiong’s shell company (“Big Bluff LLC”) and was sold by prolific film and television composer Graeme Revell. The house, a 3,477 square foot L-shaped single-story sprawler, was designed by William Wesley Peters, an apprentice of Frank Lloyd Wright and his son-in-law.
Despite the pedigree, Yolanda personally finds the structure (inside and out) to be perfectly hideous. Sorry! We just had to say it.
A peek at some recent aerial imagery suggests little has been done to the 5-acre spread, while the 1.64-acre parcel’s new modern pad is quickly moving toward completion.
But wait, there’s more…
You’d think three uber-expensive oceanfront spreads in Malibu would be enough beach frontage for Mr. Soon-Shiong, right? But you would be wrong. Recently he decided he wanted more. This time, though, he decided to change it up and head way south. Way, way south to that fearsome no-man’s-land.
We’re talking behind the scary Orange Curtain. Laguna Beach, beotches! Orange is the new black, or at least the new Malibu. Something like that.
In June 2015, Mr. Soon-Shiong and Ms. Chan stealthily paid $14,200,000 (through “19 Ocean Way LLC”) for a .28 acre property that occupies a prominent promontory known as “Arch Point”. The Mediterranean “villa” has 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms in a comfortable-but-not-large 3,267 square feet of living space.
So, yeah, the mock-med structure ain’t the greatest. But that jutting promontory sure is badass, huh?
Apparently the Soon-Shiongs liked their clifftop palace so much they decided “What the hell? This place is awesome, so let’s buy another one even more awesome!”
That’s kinda how these folks roll. In February 2016, the couple dislocated hundreds of jaws when they reared back and airdropped $45,000,000 smackers on what is perhaps the coolest and most unique property in all of Orange County.
Known as “Twin Points”, the flat-out amazing 1.7-acre spread divides Laguna’s Shaw’s Cove and Crescent Bay with its two giant “toes” sticking out into the water. There’s a private beach and perfect vistas, and the lot had been owned by a single family since 1930. Though the house on the land is almost laughably modest — a mere 1,800 square feet or something like that — let’s be real here, the buyer wasn’t paying for the house. We think that little secret inlet/cove between the twin points is just about the neatest thing Yolanda has ever seen on a residential property.
Mr. Soon-Shiong & Ms. Chan used an entity called “Laguna Cove LLC” to acquire the dream clifftop. And really, kids, Yolanda thinks the $45 million purchase may have been well worth it for this thing. Although we profess ignorance of the Orange County real estate market, this really was — to use some overused real estate hyperbole — a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
The $45 million Mr. Soon-Shiong slammed down was, according to Yolanda’s research and previous reports, the most paid for a single residence in Orange County. Ever.
Yolanda’s calculations tell us that Mr. Soon-Shiong has spent a heart-stopping $154,245,000 on his Brentwood compound and the Malibu/Laguna Beach getaways. And that’s just the land, y’all. Mr. Soon-Shiong has almost certainly spent tens of millions more on new construction costs, demolition fees, and all the other associated expenses that come with a billionaire baller real estate portfolio.
As for what’s next? With a guy like Mr. Soon-Shiong, Yolanda is quite confident he will never slow down — whether we’re talking business or real estate. And all we can say is that we’ll definitely be watching.
The richest LA couple you’ve never heard of
It’s a painfully hot day in SoCal, but Yolanda’s got the perfect tonic to keep ya iced down. We’re heading out to Malibu for a quick stroll along the beach.
Probably the most common question we’ve received since we started this hot mess of a blog is why we only concentrate on Los Angeles-area properties. Well frankly, my dears, we don’t give a damn. Just kidding. The reason is because we live in LA, we’ve always lived in LA, we probably always will live in LA. And most of our family, friends, and acquaintances are here, too.
We would love to write about NYC, London, or San Francisco real estate the same way, but we just don’t know how much info we can provide up and beyond what’s already out there. Yolanda is not some omnipotent goddess who can crack into every trust and LLC in existence or knows who is going to list what and when. Sometimes we need some assistance from a few friendly tattletales.
That’s not to say we’re not going to spread our wings. Next week is going to be mostly devoted to Orange County stories. After that, we’re going to hone in on New York a wee bit. Just for a fun diversion. But LA will always be this blog’s main focus. We don’t mean to sound uncultured, that’s just what it is. (But please, if you’re got any out-of-state tips, be a dear and send them our way. We love it.)
Take this oceanfront Malibu mansion. If we didn’t have the hookups around town, we probably would have no clue who owns it. Records show the house last sold for a hefty $17,000,000 in February 2013 to a mysterious bank trust. Yolanda finds no evidence of a mortgage on the property — we strongly suspect the anonymous buyer(s) paid all cash.
Well, kids, Yolanda just happens to know who owns this property. Their names are Michael V. Lewis and Lizanne Falsetto.
Never heard of them? Neither had Yolanda. But it turns out that Mr. Lewis & Ms. Falsetto are (unsurprisingly, since they have a $17 million house) very, very rich.
Mr. Lewis is the co-founder of RealD, a Beverly Hills-based firm that single-handedly developed the RealD 3D technology for movie theaters. Ever gone to see a film in 3D at the movies? Mr. Lewis’s pocketbook would like to thank you. Chances are good that your theater utilized his company’s 3D technology.
In November 2015, Mr. Lewis (and his business partner Joshua Greer) sold RealD to a private equity company for a whopping $551 million in an all-cash transaction.
And this sale happened nearly three years after Mr. Lewis acquired his $17 million Malibu beach house, so clearly this guy is loaded. However, his lady Lizanne Falsetto is no slouch in the money department, either.
(Frankly, kids, Yolanda is not certain whether Mr. Lewis and Ms. Falsetto are married or if they are simply in a long-term relationship. And really, such things seem to matter very little nowadays, right? Except when it comes to pre-nups and all that. All we know is they have lived together for quite a few years now.)
Ms. Falsetto, a former model who never attended college, is the founder of a company called ThinkThin, a Ventura-based maker of health-conscious protein/snack bars. If you wanna know what the bars look and/or taste like, just walk into your neighborhood Whole Foods or Pavilions or whatever. They’ve got a whole shelf section to themselves. Ms. Falsetto grew the business from scratch, so kudos to her.
In November 2015, Ms. Falsetto sold her company for $217 million. In cash.
We’re not certain if Mr. Lewis and Ms. Falsetto sold their respective companies in the very same month on purpose, or if it just sorta happened like that. But either way, that’s a whopper-level-worthy intake of cash all at once, ain’t it? Mr. Lewis and Ms. Falsetto are so cash-rich, y’all, Yolanda suspects they could make a serious offer on David Geffen’s nearby Carbon Beach compound, if they so desired. It currently holds a fat off-market $100 million pricetag.
But anyway, for the time being, the newly-retired pair still resides in their “humble” oceanfront shack in the guard-gated and star-studded “Malibu Colony” community. The house, according to the listing, has a very generous 5,919 square feet of living space with 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms, making it one of the larger residences in the tightly-packed neighborhood.
Guess who the architect was, kids? Mega-mansion denizen Richard Landry. And you know what? Although Yolanda generally makes fun of and rolls her eyes at any of Landry’s projects for being generally terrible, this one really isn’t so bad. We’d even go so far as to say it’s kinda nice, actually. It’s definitely restrained, which we have never experienced with a Landry. Was he smokin’ some good stuff when he did this one?
Despite having a paltry .24-acre parcel with which to work, Landry did an admirable job of shoehorning the large house onto the lot yet still affording it some all-important privacy. Thick and sky-high hedges and what (rather surprisingly) appear to be eucalyptus trees shield out the neighbors.
The front facade has red brick and a two car garage. Directly above the garage is the detached guest house/staff quarters.
Through a white-washed wooden gate is a charmingly-landscaped pathway to the glassy front door.
The suburban mansion-sized kitchen has a massive center island and every top-end appliance you’d expect in a $17 million house. The compact dining room still seats six comfortably. Disappearing walls of glass maximize the undeniably gorgeous vistas.
Of course an ol’ lush like Yolanda enjoys the full bar, though we could live without the flat-screen TV. But ugh, those black leather chairs are just too awful.
Spacious living and family rooms are thankfully left stylistically simple — no distracting from the views.
The master bedroom (right) has an entire wall of glass. A secondary bedroom has no ocean view, but the garden sights aren’t really so bad.
Speaking of the garden, this house has an unexpectedly large one around between the garage/guest house (above left) and the main house (above right). Most residences in the Colony are packed so damn close together that you can’t walk outside without trippin’ on your neighbor’s porch. Not this one.
In addition to the two stories of nearly 6,000 square feet of living space and their views, this house takes it a big step farther with a party-sized 1,200 square foot rooftop deck. There’s a spa for sexy time, couches, chairs for tanning, and even an outdoor kitchen/bbq with a dining table.
The listing points out the fact that “the home is not only one of the largest in the Colony, but it’s located on one of the best sections of sand with one of [the] widest beach frontages.” There you have it.
Records show the property was acquired in 2008 for $12,450,000 by a high-end house flipper/restaurant owner named Gary Finefrock. We’re not sure what the house looked like back then, but It was Mr. Finefrock who engaged the services of Mr. Landry to construct the current abode, which was originally listed, as we recall, for somewhere in excess of $25 million. So either Mr. Lewis and Ms. Falsetto got the mansion at a great deal or the property was wildly overpriced to start, right?
Other residents of the Colony include billionaire Sheldon Adelson (who owns not one, not two but five properties in the gated community), billionaire Jerry Perenchio (who owns five or six himself), Taylor Thomson, Bruce Makowsky & Kathy Van Zeeland, Roma Downey, Pamela Anderson, Peter Asher, Wallis Annenberg, Michael LaFetra, Lee Phillip Bell, Paul Reiser, John McEnroe, and 20-something-year-old Alexander Hughes, the only heir to the massive Herbalife fortune.
Time will tell if their newly-mega-massive pocketbooks cause Mr. Lewis & Ms. Falsetto to upgrade their LA residential real estate circumstances in the near future. While we wait, behave yourself, stay cool, and if you can — make it rain for Yolanda. We’re gettin’ heatstroke over here.
Kevin Hart’s very unfunny house in Tarzana
We’re not sure how this made headlines in between all the truly terrible happenings last week. But as you might have heard, pint-sized comedian/actor Kevin Hart’s house was burglarized. The thieves, apparently, made off with $500,000 in jewelry.
What a tragedy. Our hearts wail. For the insurer, that is. We couldn’t care less about Mr. Hart’s jewelry — somehow, we’re sure a guy reportedly worth $62 million will find a way to replace it.
For those of you who may not know who the Mr. Hart is, we’ll be gracious and give you a (very) brief bio. He’s a 5’4″ stand-up comedian turned increasingly-in-demand 5’4″ actor who has starred in a whole bunch of films Yolanda ain’t never seen. These include Think Like a Man, Get Hard, Paper Soldiers, and a whole bunch more.
Okay, fine. Yolanda saw Get Hard. We laughed out loud on several occasions. Yes, we admit it.
But anyway, a lot of folks were apparently surprised to find that Mr. Hart lives way the heck out in the San Fernando Valley community of Tarzana. Or at least one “folk” was surprised. A fella who we’ll call Thomas Thetankengine wrote in asking exactly where in Tarzana Mr. Hart actually resides.
Frankly, Mr. Thetankengine, Yolanda doesn’t give a hoot about Tarzana. We don’t mean to be rude or dismissive, in case there’s any Tarzana folks reading this, so don’t get your undies all unctuous and undulating. We know that Tarzana has lots of multi-million dollar homes, lots of celeb residents, lots of rich folks. We know.
All Yolanda is saying is that the area is not her particular cup of tea. In fact, we can’t think of a single “luxury” neighborhood in LA that’s less appealing to us than Tarzana. But really, who cares what an old slob like Yolanda thinks about anything, right? Right. We know you’re thinking “Shut the heck up and get to the house!!” Okay, okay. We can take a hint.
Yolanda just happens to know the house in which Mr. Hart, his fiancee Eniko Parrish, and his two kids from a previous marriage reside. The property is located in a 24/7 guard-gated community — perhaps a bit surprising when you consider the brazen burglary — but it does back up to a public sidewalk. So there’s that.
In April 2012, a non-celebrity couple sold the crib in question for $1,999,000 to a mysterious LLC. Yolanda did a little research on said LLC and we discovered — whoop-de-do! — it is very easily linked directly to our Mr. Hart.
Anyway, the residence — a rather disappointing big beige McMansion and a former model home — has 7 bedrooms and 6.5 bathrooms in 6,549 blah-style square feet in the “Mulholland Park” gated community. It was built in 2000 and definitely gives off a nostalgic 90’s vibe, for better or worse.
The completely symmetrical facade is festooned with two mature palm trees, some green grass, and a driveway that dead-ends right at the front door. Two double garages flank the entryway.
The pool is — in Yolanda’s humble opinion — rammed up a bit too close to the house’s rear, but we suppose the layout was made necessary by the steeply-sloped .41 acre parcel. At least there’s a place to cool off in from those scorching Valley summers.
Another damn bridal staircase? Pass. And carpet on the stairs? Beige carpet?! Oh Lord, have mercy. The kitchen has beige tile flooring (that runs through most of the house), beige painted walls, and beige-ish wooden cabinetry. There’s a double Sub-Zero fridge and other “quality appliances”, per the listing.
The listing says “Royal living room is accented w/cathedral ceilings, Crafted fireplace and French doors.”
Really, Mr. grandiose realtor man? Yolanda is not trying to be mean, but what exactly is a “Royal living room”?! Whatever it is, sir, we can personally assure you it is not the double-height Mickey-Mouse-lookin’ thing above. And just what the heck is a “Crafted fireplace”? Was the fireplace crafted, as opposed to spontaneously combusted? Or is Crafted a fireplace brand name? We may never know!
And good Lord, kids, how much beige can one poor house take?! Listen, Mr. Hart. We’re not hating, we swear. We know you’re rich as the damn Pope, so we honestly hope and pray you’ve completely redecorated this house since these pictures were shot in 2012. Think of the children! How can you expect your kids to grow up right with beige barfed all over every surface in their home?
Good thing our parents had some decorating sense. Look how perfect Yolanda turned out. But anyway, Mr. Hart, please hire some security guards or a laser grid to surround the airspace of your house. Those burglars might come back for more loot and we know you don’t want that.
And please, baby, move to a nicer crime-riddled gated community like Mulholland Estates or somethin’.
Kola Aluko’s Last Stand
Our esteemed Rabbi Hedda LaCasa reminded us of something important. About how there’s other, far more significant issues happening in the world at this very moment. More significant than our mindless real estate gossip drivel, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, we neglected to mention anything about the recent Orlando tragedy yesterday. It’s times like this when these silly little real estate blogs seem especially irrelevant, right? Rest in peace to all those killed in a tragic and senseless massacre.
Onward we march. Yolanda’s plate is chock-full of juicy real estate tales, so we’d like to issue a public apology if we haven’t gotten to your specific thing yet. We do appreciate all y’all’s tips and we promise we will write about all your tidbits, eventually. But first, here’s a return to one of our favorite real estate subjects. It’s time for our weekly dose of legally-embattled Nigerian billionaire Kola Aluko!
We’ve already extensively and thoroughly covered Mr. Aluko’s recent desperate quest to unload the $130,000,000+ in luxury U.S. real estate he snapped up about four years ago. We think he’s trying to get all that cash back outta the country before the properties are seized or somethin’. We’re just guessing.
Though he has been called an “oil magnate” in previous years, it’s been widely rumored recently that Mr. Aluko has all along been little more than a pawn of the real “magnate”, Nigeria’s former oil minister Diezani Alison-Madueke, who is also the first female president in the history of OPEC. While in her position as oil minister, it’s been alleged that Ms. Alison-Madueke may have embezzled more than $6 billion from Nigeria’s treasury, which she then sought to launder abroad — through Mr. Aluko and others — in a global spending spree of epic proportions. Unfortunately for our shady crew, the scheme is presently unraveling.
So, as y’all know — Mr. Aluko sold his Beverly Hills mansion at a loss (Ariana Grande lived there!), he sold his Montecito compound at a loss (Gwyneth Paltrow bought it!), he sold his Bel Air stunner at a HUGE loss (Nile Niami built it!) He’s taken a $5.26 million total hit, so far.
Anyway, the Nigerian government has found out about Mr. Aluko’s sneaky off-loading of his US properties and they are mad as hell.
Documents filed within the past month in Nigeria plainly allege that Mr. Aluko — through Ms. Alison-Madueke — indeed hijacked billions belonging to the country of Nigeria. Through this, Mr. Aluko (as our gal’s alleged agent) assembled a worldwide collection of every conceivable luxury, a list that rivals even the world’s biggest billionaire ballers. According to the official Nigerian court (we’re not sure if there is an unofficial one), Mr. Aluko spent nearly $1.8 billion on:
– Luxury homes in Beverly Hills, Bel Air, Montecito, Manhattan, Dubai, London, & Switzerland
– 58 automobiles
– 3 private jets
– 65-meter yacht christened Galactica Star
– Watch collection
Now that many of his holdings are gone, we come to what Yolanda believes is the only West Coast property still owned by our Mr. Aluko. And it is, in your gurl’s opinion, the most impressive (and expensive) residential property to populate his California portfolio. Located up on a prominent ridge above Montecito, the villa has spectacular vistas of the mountains above and the ocean below.
That’s right, kids. That Montecito compound he sold to Gwyneth Paltrow a couple months ago wasn’t even Mr. Aluko’s main residence in the area. In August 2012, he cut a check for $21,500,000 that he spent on the 12,000 square foot mansion above, which sits on 5 acres. In November of that same year, he quietly paid another $6,250,000 for the vacant 5 acre parcel next door. For the math geeks out there, his total outlay for the properties was $27,750,000.
She’s a bit ashamed to admit it, honestly, but Yolanda is not certain who sold the mansion to Mr. Aluko for 21.5 million bucks, though we strongly suspect it may be embattled Hong Kong-based hedge fund manager Raaj Shah (last month, he sold another Montecito house for $16 million to billionaire Bruce Halle, but we digress). Records show the spec house was completed in 2008 and bought the following year for $18,500,000 by a mysterious LLC that may or may not have been (but probably was) a front for Mr. Shah.
As for the vacant parcel, Yolanda dug up evidence that Mr. Aluko submitted plans to Santa Barbara County and received permits in late 2013 to construct a new compound anchored by a 14,038-square-foot mansion. The architect was mega-mansion specialist Marc Appleton. Unfortunately for Mr. Aluko (and Mr. Appleton), kids, the project clearly never got off the ground because the parcel remains vacant.
Anyway, in October of last year (2015), Mr. Aluko hoisted the two properties up for sale as a single 10-acre compound — with a spine-straightening $45,000,000 pricetag. Though the property has sat unsold for 8 months now (and counting), Mr. Aluko has so far refused to budge on his ask.
Of course, the biggest selling point of the estate are the 360-degree views of the mountains, valley, and sea just beyond. The grounds are painstakingly manicured and include wide, bright green swaths of lawn, whitewashed brick pathways, native landscaping, fruit trees, and formal gardens.
The house itself was built — as previously mentioned — in 2008 in a sort of Mediterranean meets Spanish slash Tuscan style. There are 5 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms, and 3 additional powder rooms.
Interior spaces are formal while being comfortable and not overtly stuffy. A whole bunch of different colors and cuts of hardwood provide the estate’s flooring. There’s a wood-paneled library with a massive black marble fireplace, a living room with another fireplace, a family room with a fireplace, and a formal dining room with another gosh-darn fireplace!
P.S. Yolanda is quite positive that our parents — Mr. & Mrs. Yakketyyak — have that exact same red-and-gold rug pattern you see above in the formal dining room of their own big house.
Damn boy, you been copying our clan? Come on now Mr. Aluko! Don’t play your gurl Yolanda like that. You know Mrs. Yakketyyak will drive on up to Montecito just to slap a beotch. Oh yes she will! Nobody steals her decorating cues and lives to tell. At least not before they give a gal some credit.
The kitchen has dark wood flooring that sets off the milky white of the cabinets and center island. There’s also a second island that does double-duty as an eat-in bar. All the appliances, of course, likely cost more than a damn warehouse full of Chanel hula hoop bags.
Outdoor balcony living spaces are every bit as posh as those inside. Not bad, Mr. Aluko, not bad at all.
The master suite has yet another marble-slathered fireplace indoors, and a second fireplace just a few feet away — on the outdoor balcomy. In all, we count no fewer than nine (!!!!!) in the entire house. Mr. Aluko must employ at least one gal named Bessie as a full-time chimney-sweep.
There’s also a monochromatic lounge with grey-upholstered couches and chairs that doubles as a full-size screening/media room.
The mansion also sports a very large courtyard replete with (mostly) native and drought-resistant plants, a couple wooden benches, and even a shady olive tree.
The properly-aligned north-south tennis court makes choosing sides as easy as “I’ve got the ocean view, you take the mountains.”
Mr. Aluko’s estate sits in a small very posh gated community off hoity-toity East Valley Road. The enclave sports just eight properties, each of which spans a minimum of 5 acres. Two of the parcels, of course, are currently owned by Mr. Aluko. With the exception of one particularly legendary property — more on that one in a minute — the other neighboring homes were all built within the past decade.
But we digress. Yolanda can’t fathom why Mr. Aluko thinks these two properties that he bought less than four years ago for $28 million (and with which he has done nothing) are now worth $45 million. This guy’s got some real estate cojones, y’all. Especially since a quick peak at property records show that none of the other homes in the community have sold for anywhere remotely close to that ask.
Now let’s have some fun and take a gander at the owners of the six other parcels in this tiny and seriously expensive gated community.
The most recent home sale in the neighborhood occurred in July 2014, when LA-based private equity player Kovi Elkus paid $12,000,000 for an 8,000-ish square foot mansion right next door to Mr. Aluko’s house. He’s already got the thang back up for sale at $14,900,000.
In 2013, a real estate guru named Jonathan Weiss shoveled out $10,850,000 for a 12,000 square foot spec mansion across the street — unfortunately, it doesn’t appear to have an ocean view like Mr. Aluko’s house.
The biggest sale to occur in the neighborhood happened way back in August 2008, when multi-billionaire Steven Rales paid a blistering $26,400,000 for a 22,000 square foot mega-mansion known as the “Cima del Mundo Estate”. Built in 1924 and carefully restored since then, the neighborhood centerpiece is the only historic home in the ‘hood. It’s also reportedly one of the most legendary estates in the Santa Barbara area — Charles Lindbergh landed a plane there, after all. It was designed by noted architect Myron Hunt.
The smallest house in the neighborhood – just 6,200 square feet – is owned by prolific songwriter and composer Tom Snow (he wrote the #1 80’s anthem “Let’s Hear it for the Boy”!) and his wife Mary Belle. The couple are major Republican donors.
Finally, at the very end of the dead-end road are two vacant, adjacent lots that total a massive 15 acres. The owner of both lots, property records reveal, is billionaire Mercury Insurance founder George Joseph. He picked the land up in 2008 and 2009 for a total of $12,000,000, but construction is only just beginning, according to recent aerial imagery. And no, we don’t have a clue as to why a 94-year-old like Mr. Joseph is building a massive compound in Montecito. We’d guess it’s for one or another of his five children.
Given all this, wouldn’t you say Mr. Aluko’s compound is overpriced? We would. But that’s just us.
Before we jet off for the day, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention Mr. Aluko’s real estate in New York City. Our boy has not one but two obscenely expensive cribs in the city. The first was scooped up by him in 2012 for $8,625,000 and is located in the former Adams Hotel condo conversion on Fifth Avenue.
The snazzy duplex condo has approximately 4,000 square feet of living space with 4 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. Monthly maintenance fees and taxes combine nearly top $12,000 per month (scary!).
Mr. Aluko threw the property onto the market with an ask of $8,995,000 in September 2012. “VERY MOTIVATED SELLER!” shouted the listing. Yes, dear, we’re well aware that Mr. Aluko is desperate — er, “motivated”. The list price dropped all the way down to $8,100,000 in April (2016) — or $525,000 less than the purchase price — before being mysteriously yanked off the market last month.
As of today, as far as we can tell, Mr. Aluko remains the owner.
But wait, y’all — we’re just coming to Mr. Aluko’s biggest real estate splurge of all! This isn’t his only residence in Manhattan. And it’s nowhere near the cost of his other big baby.
In January 2015, Mr. Aluko finally closed on a full-floor spread at one of NYC’s biggest, baddest, tallest and trendiest condo buildings of all — One57.
Our boy bought the full-floor unit on the 79th floor (the Midtown building stands 90 stories tall). Records show he paid an outrageous $50,916,000 through a shell company called “One57 79 Inc.” Yolanda found evidence that indicates Mr. Aluko unsuccessfully attempted to flip the spread in summer 2015 for $57 million, but he remains the owner as of today.
As crazy as a $50 million condo may sound to those of you not acquainted with NYC’s sometimes sanity-defying high-end real estate scene, it’s not even close to being the most expensive unit in the building. That honor goes to the $100.5 million duplex penthouse on the 89th and 90th stories that sold to something called “P89-90 LLC” also in January 2015. The buyer has been identified by the developer only as “an American,” “a very nice family,” and “someone that people would recognize.”
But heck, if Yolanda were paying some developer $100 million for a condo, they’d better damn well describe our family as very nice — and they’d best be recognizing who we are. Can we get an amen?!
Yolanda's Little Black Book 